Leaving You
by x-ephmrl-x
Summary: "The hardest . . . the hardest part of this is leaving you." Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Toru. Warnings/Triggers: Cancer, death, mild language. Credits to viria on Tumblr for cover. (One-Shot)


The blaring of his alarm clock bounces off the walls of his bedroom. He doesn't register the noises right away. Most days, Iwaizumi would've already hopped out of bed and gotten started on his daily routine. Most days, he'd gladly eat the breakfast his mother prepared, wish her luck at work, and be on his way to school with music blasting in his ears.

_But today isn't just any other day._

He slams his hand down on the button, cutting off his alarm, glaring up at the ceiling with red eyes. Swiftly, he slips out of bed and drags himself to the window to open the curtains. He's not sure why, but he's half expecting it to be sunny— he's been wishing for  
_one_ sunny day.

Even the heavens are sad.

Hajime almost scoffs at the thought as he stares at the dark clouds above. Of course. It'd been raining all night. He hasn't been able to sleep at all this week, and the rain usually helps. His eyes had been wide open since his parents had announced lights out the previous night.

_How can he sleep knowing today wouldn't be his most days?_

* * *

_Three Months Ago_

"_Told you running in the rain was a bad idea," Iwaizumi states over the loud coughs of the brunette. He's referring to after yesterday's meet of course and his boyfriend hadn't been feeling well before that._

_Oikawa shoots him a glare as they entered the third gym, clearing his throat. "Well, would you rather me stand in the middle of a storm waiting for my mom to pick me up?"_

"_Hm. Good point."_

_Practice goes as good as usual, All of them working their asses off, exchanging banter with Fukurōdani— their coach had invited one of their rivaling schools to make practice much more intriguing. They could use the challenge after all. Everything was going about as smoothly as it could when the others hear the yelling._

"_You're supposed to hit the ball, not catch it, Tōru. This is the third time! We're not in primary—"_

_It hadn't been his voice that had gotten everyone's attention though._

"_I know— I fucking know! Just shut up," the captain growls and god, if looks could kill. This even makes Iwaizumi be quiet, unable to come up with another remark. Oikawa's hands tighten around the volleyball, jaw clenched as his breaths grow loud and heavy. He screams at the others to get back in position, but he's sure his voice didn't come out of his mouth. Their coach says something to him, something he didn't quite catch._

_Suddenly, he can't breathe._

_Why can't he breathe?_

_He chokes. He's choking now. On what? Why is he choking— the taste of metal fills his mouth and he doubles over. Blood decorates the floor in an arbitrary pattern and his brown eyes widen. Before Iwaizumi can catch him, he's on his knees, desperately grabbing at his chest as he tries to breathe._

_His vision begins to blur and someone's holding him— he can't quite make out who it is. At some point, he's able to get some air in. He can't handle the sudden pain that hits him._

_Everything's black now._

* * *

His throat tightens at the memory, inhaling sharply as he staggers towards his bathroom. Iwaizumi meets eyes with the ungodly sight in the mirror. Showers had been non-existent for days. His hair, which had grown ever since Oikawa had worsened, is now a matted and tangled mess. His eyes are still bloodshot, the bags beneath them taking away from his attractive visage.

The raven's hand grips the handle of the faucet and the cold water runs.

•••

His mother had come in to check on him twice, the boy hardly acknowledging her presence both times. Walking to his closet, he slides the door open with force, the wood slamming against the wall and causing the ringing in his ears to return. He grabs his suit— a different one from yesterday— and throws it on his bed.

You'd think after the wake he'd have processed it by now. No matter how many times he'd touched his lover's deathly cold hand, no matter how hard he'd stared at the casket that entrapped the body, waiting for Oikawa to sit up . . . He _still_ can't grasp it.

But he'd been able to take in the sobs that'd surrounded him. He'd been aware of the makeup used to cover up the tones of blue and grey and purple. And he'd _hated_ the way it looked. It hadn't been excessive. Iwaizumi hated it because he _knew_ it wasn't _him_.

_It couldn't be._

* * *

_Two Months Ago_

_Iwaizumi bursts into Oikawa's hospital room, eyes the size of saucers as they land on the aforementioned brunette. "What's wrong? You said it was an emergency?! Please tell me you're okay."_

_Oikawa purses his lips, unsure whether it was appropriate to laugh or not. Aobajohsai's former captain changed quite a bit over these past three weeks, His hair seemed to have lost its vibrance, his skin was sickly pale. The weight loss made his cheekbones much more prominent, the dark circles on his eyes exaggerating the already clear exhaustion._

_With a small, pained chuckle, he points to the razor machine that's sitting on the bedside table. Of course, Hajime's confused for about a second before he realizes what's going on._

" _. . . I didn't know your hair started falling out."_

"_Started to see clumps on my pillows two days ago. That's why I didn't want you to visit." His voice is quiet, hoarse from continuous coughs that have worsened. He's quiet because everything hurts and he's afraid of more pain. Despite his fear, he reaches over and grabs the machine. "But I want you to do it. Not some doctor, not my mom, or my dad."_

_Iwaizumi doesn't say anything. Oikawa captures his rough bottom lip between his teeth as the rising anxiety hits him hard._

"_Please?"_

_Of course, Hajime doesn't refuse. He _can't_. During the first few seconds of the process, he couldn't stop his hand from trembling. He'd scolded himself mentally. Oikawa was the one suffering, not him. He needed to be a man, try to act unaffected by this simple, _simple _action. He'd never say this outloud to Tōru, but he ever since he'd found out about the lung cancer, he felt like he was in pain everyday too._

_Trying to lighten up the mood, Iwaizumi complements Oikawa on having a nicely shaped head once he's done. It at least brings a small smile to the brunette's face_.

_Hajime leans down to kiss Oikawa. The brunette turns away, sighing and muttering something about his lips being too chap. Iwaizumi can't recall the last time they kissed. No matter how many times he'd told Tōru he didn't care about the illness, the other boy still refused to kiss him. The raven craves his touch but he won't push him._

"_Geez, if I miss your hair this much already, I can't imagine how you feel right now," Hajime mutters, brushing a few of the follicles off of the other's shoulders. The returned silence makes him want to kick himself in the nuts. He opens his mouth to apologise, but Oikawa speaks first._

"_You know what the hardest part of this is?"_

_The raven inhales sharply, getting an idea of where he's going. "_Tōru_," he warns._

"_What isn't the hardest part is being unable to play anymore, or not hanging out with you guys. I can handle not going to the pool anymore, I can . . . I can handle losing my hair. I can pull through the _constant _physical pain . . ." Oikawa struggles to breathe as he talks, pausing occasionally to inhale deeply. "The hardest . . . the hardest part is leaving you."_

* * *

He greets Oikawa's family soon after they arrive at the cemetery. They hug him tightly, exchanging condolences and tight smiles. Iwaizumi's parents stick to his side, his mother holding his hand most of the time and he wasn't sure if she was trying to support him herself. She'd loved Tōru deeply for making him happy, changing him in some ways that were for the best. Their family isn't perfect, no family is really, and Oikawa had just brought this . . . this light.

Soon enough, they take their seats. Iwaizumi's olive eyes glare hard at the snow white coffin feet ahead. It's closed— the wishes of Oikawa's parents— but he _knows_ his dead lover's clothes match the box entrapping his body.

_Oikawa had always wanted to be buried in white._

* * *

_A Week Ago_

_He knows Oikawa doesn't like being alone. And it hurts that he can't be there for him. But as the brunette's condition worsened, his parents had cut off visitors. They didn't want to risk any infection and had hardly visited their son themselves._

_Iwaizumi twists and turns in his bed, trying to sleep somehow. He wants to call, but Oikawa can hardly speak anymore. He wants to text, but almost every time he does, Oikawa's sleeping or going through another surgery that really won't help._

_Though, Iwaizumi actually is looking forward to tomorrow. It's the only open window Oikawa's parents had allowed until further notice._

_Just as his eyes start falling, he hears the home phone ring. His eyes grow a little wide in confusion. They _never _get calls to their home phone. And they _especially _never get calls this late at night._

_He tenses when the ringing stops. He hears his mother's voice, his father asking who's on the other line. Seconds filled with silence pass. Nothing. No one speaks. It's like even the house is holding its breath. Is it a wrong number?_

_His mother's crying answers his question._

_Oh_.

_Oh_.

_He hears the phone being hung up. Then footsteps. He silently prays they're not making their way to his bedroom._

_Turn left._

_Please, turn left._

_Iwaizumi's bedroom door opens slowly and his heart _shatters_. Even in the dim lighting, the solemn expression on his parents' faces is evident._

_Hajime grips his pillow tightly and sobs. He cries and cries until noises refuse to escape his throat. He doesn't register the fact that his parents are on the bed with him now, but he's desperately holding onto them as if his life depends on it._

* * *

Even after everyone leaves, Hajime stays seated next to the fresh grave— he'd promised his parents he'd get a ride from Akaashi or someone. He leans against the stone, staring up at the sky as light rain mixed with the tears on his face.

This is the first time he's cried since the day of Oikawa's death.

_The hardest part is leaving you._

"_No_, Tōru. The hardest part is being the one who's left. The hardest part is having a beating heart and being oh so utterly dead," he says through gritted teeth, pained voice and full of bitterness. "And damn it, I loved you so much. I was too scared to say it, but please believe me when I say that I love you."

He's too young for this. He's too young to think he can't go on.

Oikawa was too young to die.

Iwaizumi knows he needs to move on. Not right now, but he _has_ too. The thing is, he doesn't think he can.


End file.
